Moving On

The best thing about a new day is that is brings a new perspective.  Today may have been my melt down day, but today I am taking control of my feelings and I am flipping them around.  Tomorrow is in fact my birthday, and I am ready to start a new.  The truth is what is the point of celebrating another successful trip around the sun without first being somewhat reflective and setting some new goals.  It is hard to know where to start in summarizing what has been a year of big accomplishments and big changes. 

My 22nd year is review; Over the last 364 days I have:

• graduated with high honors from Carleton University
• and I did it in 4 years (with some summer courses) despite suffering through a diagnosis of RA and depression

• I moved in with my boyfriend and I can honestly say that this is the first adult relationship I have ever been in, it takes work, but it is the best kind of work
• moved to Trenton, Ontario from Ottawa.  It has not been an easy transition but I feel like I am starting to find my stride in this little town
• I have been more open and honest with those I have relationships with
• I saw my big sister marry her high school sweetheart and got to sign her wedding license which is kind of a big deal I guess

• I adopted a dog from the Humane Society name Nellie, and surprised myself with how much I love her.  I didn't think I was capable of such unconditional love, and she has shown me that.  She also has shown me I am such a push over, thank goodness we have Kent to discipline her.

Ok so the list might not be all that impressive to someone reading this but to me these were big steps.  Now who knows what the next 365 days will bring, but there are some general directions I am hoping to take.

• I am so over feeling bad for eating chips, or chocolate or cookies.  I am not going to only eat those, but when I decide I want to have some junk food I am not going to feel guilty about it.  Life is short and I want to enjoy some yummy foods along the way.
• I am so not going to worry about the number on the tags in my clothing.  If the clothes fit, if they look good, and I like them, that is all that matters.  This whole worrying about what size I am is so not important.  I happen to have other concerns I want to focus on and this year I am putting all of the energy I have put towards self shame towards something more productive.
• I am going to get more active.  It is so easy with arthritis to loaf, especially when in pain or when sick with whatever infection I have that week.  But no more.  I need to get my butt up, even if it is just for a short walk to get my joints moving, plus I am sure Miss Nellie will be happy to get our and about. 
• I am going to worry less about what other people think.  I cannot control people, and if they are going to be stressed because of me or concerned about me or think I am an awful person there is not much I can do about it.  
• I am going to own my disease rather then let it own me.  I am a strong woman, and the fact is some things have changed since my diagnosis but most things haven’t.  I am still able to do most things, and I still believe in the things I believe in.
• I am not going to stop challenging societal norms when it comes to illness and feminism. I am a feminist.  I have a mental illness.  And I am proud of me.  I am proud of my strength, my willingness to talk about my mental illness, and even though I fear a stigma I know that in reality my brain is just a little mixed up, just like my immune system.  And the way I see my rheumatologist, I also see my psychiatrist.  And just as I take meds to treat my sore joints, I take meds to help treat my sore sad thoughts.

Ultimately I am proud of me.  It might not be what I dreamed it would be, but I am still having fun.

Yours in Pain (and Pride),

Ginny